Just Got A New Laptop

Hi, couldn't add anything because my computer crashed. Have a new laptop now though. Had a really rough day on Sunday, pissed on Monday, but all better now. Couldn't figure out my purpose in life and I just felt so alone. What does a person feel like if they don't believe in God, I wonder. That would be so confusing and so awful, I would think. No hope to hang on to, etc. So grateful for my friends and family. Family especially.

Very tired today

Very tired today, not sure why. Feels good to sleep though, not complaining.

Trying to write a business plan for obtaining grants to start my business. Hard to do though because I'm not sure what to type and having problems coming up with the financial projections. Makes me wonder if I'm smart enough to actually run a business after all. One of those days, I guess.

Had dinner with my family yesterday. They don't even realize how much they cut on me in all their little jokes all day long. It really hurts and bothers me but I don't know how to bring it up with them picking on me even more. Sigh. I guess I'll just leave it alone, as usual.

I'm lucky to have friends and family I can talk to. Many people are all alone in life. The only problem is if I tell a single person in my family, somehow the whole entire world knows exactly what I told that person in confidence the day (or hour) before. I'm just frustrated today, I guess.

Enough ranting and raving. We all have our bad days, this just happens to be one for me.

Sleepover with my Neice

The sleep over with my niece went great. She's so cute and she's always making me laugh. My apartment is usually so boring and quiet.... quite a difference with her around. :) She keeps me on my toes. I give her mom tons of credit for having 4 kids! Wow. Wish I had more patience. My poor neighbors probably didn't know what was happening when all 4 of them were here yesterday. In fact, the neighbor below me sent me a text saying, "Have the neices and nephews over?" lol When I told my sister, she said, "Just tell him you're exercising." Funny stuff right there. :) Took 3 of the kids (8, 4, and 2 years old) to the small zoo in our area while their mom was grocery shopping. I liked the tigers the best but the kids seemed to be fascinated with those darn ducks and geese in the duck pond. Oh well, whatever makes them happy and keeps them occupied.

Whenever I think about the past I always seem to think about the negative things I've done or said and can't remember anything good. I wonder if that tells me something? That it was that bad, or that I'm too self conscious.

I don't mind taking my medicine because I know it helps me, but sometimes I get really frustrated with the side effects. Weight gain, irritability, etc. But, the positives outweigh the negatives, I guess.

Neice Spending the Night

My four year old neice is going to spend the night tonight. What a little character. Love her energetic, bubbly, yet stubborn and indpendent personality. Looking forward to a fun filled night and more fun tomorrow.

Met with a person about my business today. She was pretty nice, encouraging, and so on. Was suppose to meet with a counselor (an older guy) but met with the secretary instead. He had "accidentally double-booked himself." Hmm... doesn't sound very professional. Then again, things happen, and he's probably really busy. Would like to know that people remember me though. Sigh. Doesn't everybody?

Wish I had more patience with people. They say it comes with age, but I haven't seen any of it yet. Oh well, maybe when I'm 100? lol You'd think it would have to come along sooner or later, right? Wish me luck. :)

"BIJ" Journal

Started my "BIJ" journal yesterday. The B could either stand for "Brilliant" (which I'm always hoping will happen, eventually) or "Big" (as in useless and what the heck was I thinking). At least it lets me know where and how an idea first took shape. And how I got from point A to point B. I'm thinking there will be a lot of detours along the way. lol

Have an appointment with my therapy dog today (oh, and my therapist too). :) I'm so lucky to have them in my life. They're very supportive, encouraging, and inspirational. I feel very comfortable with them too. My therapist treats me with respect and like I'm an equal to her. She's never talked down to me and for that and so much more I'll always be grateful.

Have a good day! Jessi :)

"Brilliant" Idea Journal?

Fine tuning my racing thoughts. Have learned by now that when I get a "brilliant" thought I need to sit on a week (or month) or two to work out all the kinks and see if it's practical or not. Not sure if it's the Bi Polar or ADD part. Should really start a journal or something like that to see how an idea starts and what it evolves into.

Racing Thoughts

Part of the "magic" of having ADD is having racing thoughts. I couldn't sleep last night because I was coming up with a whole bunch of "brilliant" business ideas. Not taking sleeping medication because it doesn't work anyways.

I need a refill on all my other medications but am holding off on calling the pharmacy because they're so darn crabby. Time to get a new pharmacy I'm thinking. Wish me luck. Hope it's not too complicated to switch.

No Sleeping Meds

Didn't take any sleeping medication last night. Doesn't help anyways. Doing lots of stuff for my busines today. Seems I can't sleep at night but I'm really tired during the day.

Grateful to have my therapist/counselor in my life. She's very supportive, positive, and inspirational. She has a therapy dog who I love. He loves me but sometimes I think it's because I give him milkbones whenever I'm there. lol

New sleeping med not working

It's 3:50 am and I'm wide awake. Obviously the new sleeping pills I got yesterday don't work. It's called "Rozerem." Don't want to have to resort to going back to Ambien. All I did was sleep all night and day. When I WAS up then, I never remembered what I did until someone else reminded me of it. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning and half a pan of brownies and a bag of chips would have been eaten during the night. I had no recollection of it until then but it was obviously me who had eaten it. Quick way to gain weight, let me tell ya. I actually drove while on Ambien too. Not a good situation for anybody involved. Need to find a sleeping medication that works, but without the whole amnesia side effects.

4th of July

Happy 4th of July! Be safe and have a great day! :)

Busy & Frustrated

Wow, so many problems today on the computer and trying to get things up and running for my business. New found source of patience though. Didn't give up, so proud of myself. Really changing my attitude. Should have done this a long time ago. Never been like this before. Kind of nice. Maybe not taking the Fluoxetine is helping.

Really hot and muggy today. Went to see my sister and her kids at her camper in a campground. They make life worth living. Make me want to work hard and make something out of myself.

Patience Pays Off

My sister is always gently reminding me to "Slow down, Jessi." I'm always in such a rush to get from point A to point B. I start at Step 1 and skip directly to Step 13. That's a family joke now too. Lately though, I just take a deep breath and think, "Let's do it right this time. Slow down. Think big, start small. All or nothing." That's how I've been motivating myself. Seems to be working because I'm starting to be more successful in all aspects of my life. Is it killing me? Yes. lol But it's definitely worth it.

I'm glad I have my sister and my grandma to point me in the right direction. Without them I'd be lost. They really are my best friends and I'm truly grateful to have them both in my life. So here's a shout-out to them..... Love you guys and thanks! :)

Luckiest Person in the World

Had a business meeting with a man who will be helping guide me through getting my business started. He's super nice and he goes out of his way to pull strings for me. Suggested I try to get a grant so I can get a laptop (if I want) and especially to advertise and stuff. Sounds good to me.

Beautiful day today. Mood is neutral. Not taking Fluoxetine anymore. It's an anti-depressant and the doctor said it doesn't make much sense for me to be on it if I'm already on a high. Hope it helps by not taking it.

So grateful to all my family and friends who support me in so many ways. I've got to be the luckiest person in the world. I may not be rich, but I feel like a million bucks because I'm on my way to being independent and then I'll be in the position to help other people out. Can't wait! :)

What's the Purpose of Life?

Didn't get much sleep last night. Woke up at 3:23 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. Went shopping with my grandparents. Went to pick up my sleeping medication but it wasn't ready yet. Something about waiting for a authorization signature. Maybe the okay for the insurance to pay for it?

Not doing anything for my business today. Going to try to help raise some money for a friends memorial fund. He was killed in a car accident a couple weeks ago and his family needs help paying for the funeral expenses, etc. His girlfriend his super nice. Feel really bad for her and his whole family. Got to be really rough. Sometimes you wonder why all the good people get taken away and the "bad" ones are still left to cause problems for everybody else. Makes you wonder what the whole purpose to life is. If anybody knows what that is, let me know. I'd love to hear it. :)

Medications were adjusted

Hi,
Had a doctors appointment today and he took me off of Fluoxatine. Put me on Rozerem (not sure if I'm spelling that right or not, haven't picked it up yet) for sleep. Hopefully it will help get rid of the sleepless nights. I'm going to have my sister hold on to most of them (except for week at a time) so I don't go through them so unbelievably fast like I usually do with sleeping medication. And, they're suppose to be non-habit forming. We'll just see about that.

Helped my sister clean out her garage today. Well, she cleaned and I talked. Some things will never change. Sigh. Some day (?) I'll grow up and act like a responsible adult.....? Hey, you never know. Stranger things have happened.

Have a good day/night and I'll talk to you again tomorrow. Jessi

The poem from "The Purpose Driven Life"

June 28, 2010
Monday

I'm not exactly a super religious person, but here's an awesome poem from the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. The poem is by Russell Kelfer and it starts on page 25.

____________________________________________________

You are who you are for a reason, you are a part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design, called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason. Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb, you're just who he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose, and no matter how you may feel, they were custom-designed with God's plan in mind. And bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy. And God wept that it hurt you so;
but it was allowed to shape your heart so that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason, you've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved, because there is a God!

_____________________________________________________

Like I said, I'm not super religious but I first saw that poem a few years ago and it really inspired me. Have a good day. Jessi

Hi and Welcome

June 27, 2010
Sunday

Hi,

Welcome to "Life with Jessi." I am 30-something years old, live in the Midwest, and I'm Bi Polar and have ADD. I want to keep a blog going to help other people understand the day-to-day struggles of all the highs and lows of being Bi Polar and the concentration issues with having ADD. I just started a business a week ago and will fill you in on how I manage to deal with the situations that come my way with that and everything else in my life. I will try to write something each day. If I get in a low, you may not hear from me in a while. If I'm on a high (kind of like I am now) you may hear a couple pages from me. lol
I'll walk you through my moods and explain the very best I can of what it feels like to be on a high or a low. Or even both at the same time. A "mixed state." Hopefully you'll be able to relate to what I'm saying and not feel so alone, or maybe it will give you a better understanding for someone in your life and you'll have empathy for them.
I am on 4 different kinds of medications and I'm in counseling. I've been in legal trouble and was in the legal system for the past 9 years. Couldn't leave the state, go hunting (carry a gun), drink alcohol (that didn't bother me because I don't drink anyways), and I had to meet with people twice a month to check in. I'm unemployed and on disability. I started this business so I can hopefully be independent one day soon.
If you have any questions or comments for me, please post it on this site or if it's personal, please contact me at lifewithjessi@gmail.com whenever you'd like. I'll do my best to get back to you as soon as possilble. Take care and thank you for joining me on my adventure in life. :)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Empathy and sympathy are 2 very different things. Empathy is having understanding, sympathy is feeling sorry for someone. People like me need empathy, not sympathy.