Just Got A New Laptop

Hi, couldn't add anything because my computer crashed. Have a new laptop now though. Had a really rough day on Sunday, pissed on Monday, but all better now. Couldn't figure out my purpose in life and I just felt so alone. What does a person feel like if they don't believe in God, I wonder. That would be so confusing and so awful, I would think. No hope to hang on to, etc. So grateful for my friends and family. Family especially.

Very tired today

Very tired today, not sure why. Feels good to sleep though, not complaining.

Trying to write a business plan for obtaining grants to start my business. Hard to do though because I'm not sure what to type and having problems coming up with the financial projections. Makes me wonder if I'm smart enough to actually run a business after all. One of those days, I guess.

Had dinner with my family yesterday. They don't even realize how much they cut on me in all their little jokes all day long. It really hurts and bothers me but I don't know how to bring it up with them picking on me even more. Sigh. I guess I'll just leave it alone, as usual.

I'm lucky to have friends and family I can talk to. Many people are all alone in life. The only problem is if I tell a single person in my family, somehow the whole entire world knows exactly what I told that person in confidence the day (or hour) before. I'm just frustrated today, I guess.

Enough ranting and raving. We all have our bad days, this just happens to be one for me.

Sleepover with my Neice

The sleep over with my niece went great. She's so cute and she's always making me laugh. My apartment is usually so boring and quiet.... quite a difference with her around. :) She keeps me on my toes. I give her mom tons of credit for having 4 kids! Wow. Wish I had more patience. My poor neighbors probably didn't know what was happening when all 4 of them were here yesterday. In fact, the neighbor below me sent me a text saying, "Have the neices and nephews over?" lol When I told my sister, she said, "Just tell him you're exercising." Funny stuff right there. :) Took 3 of the kids (8, 4, and 2 years old) to the small zoo in our area while their mom was grocery shopping. I liked the tigers the best but the kids seemed to be fascinated with those darn ducks and geese in the duck pond. Oh well, whatever makes them happy and keeps them occupied.

Whenever I think about the past I always seem to think about the negative things I've done or said and can't remember anything good. I wonder if that tells me something? That it was that bad, or that I'm too self conscious.

I don't mind taking my medicine because I know it helps me, but sometimes I get really frustrated with the side effects. Weight gain, irritability, etc. But, the positives outweigh the negatives, I guess.

Neice Spending the Night

My four year old neice is going to spend the night tonight. What a little character. Love her energetic, bubbly, yet stubborn and indpendent personality. Looking forward to a fun filled night and more fun tomorrow.

Met with a person about my business today. She was pretty nice, encouraging, and so on. Was suppose to meet with a counselor (an older guy) but met with the secretary instead. He had "accidentally double-booked himself." Hmm... doesn't sound very professional. Then again, things happen, and he's probably really busy. Would like to know that people remember me though. Sigh. Doesn't everybody?

Wish I had more patience with people. They say it comes with age, but I haven't seen any of it yet. Oh well, maybe when I'm 100? lol You'd think it would have to come along sooner or later, right? Wish me luck. :)

"BIJ" Journal

Started my "BIJ" journal yesterday. The B could either stand for "Brilliant" (which I'm always hoping will happen, eventually) or "Big" (as in useless and what the heck was I thinking). At least it lets me know where and how an idea first took shape. And how I got from point A to point B. I'm thinking there will be a lot of detours along the way. lol

Have an appointment with my therapy dog today (oh, and my therapist too). :) I'm so lucky to have them in my life. They're very supportive, encouraging, and inspirational. I feel very comfortable with them too. My therapist treats me with respect and like I'm an equal to her. She's never talked down to me and for that and so much more I'll always be grateful.

Have a good day! Jessi :)

"Brilliant" Idea Journal?

Fine tuning my racing thoughts. Have learned by now that when I get a "brilliant" thought I need to sit on a week (or month) or two to work out all the kinks and see if it's practical or not. Not sure if it's the Bi Polar or ADD part. Should really start a journal or something like that to see how an idea starts and what it evolves into.

Racing Thoughts

Part of the "magic" of having ADD is having racing thoughts. I couldn't sleep last night because I was coming up with a whole bunch of "brilliant" business ideas. Not taking sleeping medication because it doesn't work anyways.

I need a refill on all my other medications but am holding off on calling the pharmacy because they're so darn crabby. Time to get a new pharmacy I'm thinking. Wish me luck. Hope it's not too complicated to switch.

No Sleeping Meds

Didn't take any sleeping medication last night. Doesn't help anyways. Doing lots of stuff for my busines today. Seems I can't sleep at night but I'm really tired during the day.

Grateful to have my therapist/counselor in my life. She's very supportive, positive, and inspirational. She has a therapy dog who I love. He loves me but sometimes I think it's because I give him milkbones whenever I'm there. lol

New sleeping med not working

It's 3:50 am and I'm wide awake. Obviously the new sleeping pills I got yesterday don't work. It's called "Rozerem." Don't want to have to resort to going back to Ambien. All I did was sleep all night and day. When I WAS up then, I never remembered what I did until someone else reminded me of it. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning and half a pan of brownies and a bag of chips would have been eaten during the night. I had no recollection of it until then but it was obviously me who had eaten it. Quick way to gain weight, let me tell ya. I actually drove while on Ambien too. Not a good situation for anybody involved. Need to find a sleeping medication that works, but without the whole amnesia side effects.

4th of July

Happy 4th of July! Be safe and have a great day! :)

Busy & Frustrated

Wow, so many problems today on the computer and trying to get things up and running for my business. New found source of patience though. Didn't give up, so proud of myself. Really changing my attitude. Should have done this a long time ago. Never been like this before. Kind of nice. Maybe not taking the Fluoxetine is helping.

Really hot and muggy today. Went to see my sister and her kids at her camper in a campground. They make life worth living. Make me want to work hard and make something out of myself.

Patience Pays Off

My sister is always gently reminding me to "Slow down, Jessi." I'm always in such a rush to get from point A to point B. I start at Step 1 and skip directly to Step 13. That's a family joke now too. Lately though, I just take a deep breath and think, "Let's do it right this time. Slow down. Think big, start small. All or nothing." That's how I've been motivating myself. Seems to be working because I'm starting to be more successful in all aspects of my life. Is it killing me? Yes. lol But it's definitely worth it.

I'm glad I have my sister and my grandma to point me in the right direction. Without them I'd be lost. They really are my best friends and I'm truly grateful to have them both in my life. So here's a shout-out to them..... Love you guys and thanks! :)

Luckiest Person in the World

Had a business meeting with a man who will be helping guide me through getting my business started. He's super nice and he goes out of his way to pull strings for me. Suggested I try to get a grant so I can get a laptop (if I want) and especially to advertise and stuff. Sounds good to me.

Beautiful day today. Mood is neutral. Not taking Fluoxetine anymore. It's an anti-depressant and the doctor said it doesn't make much sense for me to be on it if I'm already on a high. Hope it helps by not taking it.

So grateful to all my family and friends who support me in so many ways. I've got to be the luckiest person in the world. I may not be rich, but I feel like a million bucks because I'm on my way to being independent and then I'll be in the position to help other people out. Can't wait! :)